Are we STILL reviewing these fecking songs?!?!?!

Serbia

He's as dependable as your local LibDem councillor is old Zelikjo, you know what you're gonna get. Lots of bluster, lots of knocking on doors in his constituency to ask if you want to vote for him, you*say* yes, but ultimately he comes in 3rd. And so it is with his latest Lane Moje Copy.  I understand why people think this will do well, but I think it still misses the mark, his constituency will vote for it, don’t think the swingometer makes it across the winning line.  Qualifying? - Yes

Macedonia ( FYR or not, depending on leanings)

We demanded Samo Ti the 2nd and got something completely different.  I'm not sure what to make of it - I think its going to grow on me, however the Juries might like it, but its not televoter friendly - doesn't stop it being good, though but the 2 songs sellotaped together feel might.  Close, but no cigar - not qualifying  

Netherlands

Well when I was 5 or, indeed 3, it was 1983 or 1981, which is precisely where this song takes me back to.  Its nostalgia with a capital Cheese, and yet - it has a sweet understated quality which never fails to get me humming to it.  All the bollocks about red Indians and PC stuff really is just that, bollocks! - It's cowboys and Indians, not cowboys and native American indigenous people FFS.  Anyway back to the song, I don’t know if Joan will be right up your Street, but it should well qualify on niceness alone.

Malta

We were there when this beat Deborah C Feat.Layla James into not-very-close-to-the-top place ( indeed my slightly thinning hairline and large frame is plastered ALL over goddam youtube in every bloody Maltese video, but that’s front row seats for you!).  Kurt's preview video is quite frankly hideously wooden and doesn’t represent what an engaging live singer he actually is so discount that.  His live Final performance in Ta Qali should get his close to qualifying, but 8th-14th place is the best he can hope for.

Belarus

If ever you have asked yourself the question " That Magnus Carlsson from Barbados and Alcazar, if he had a  younger brother, would he be Belarusian?" then firstly, GET OUT MORE, and secondly, the answer is yes! - For those of us of an older age, this reminds us (and by us, I mean me) of something from the Swedish final of 1998, but it is revolutionary in terms of Belarusian Eurovision Entries.  I think its just about strong enough to get through on likeability and the schlagerness of it is good, although he shouldn’t dress in his best BMX kit in Baku though.

Portugal

And so to my friend Carlos and Mr Eurovision Andrej Babic writing for Portugal.  I'm rather miffed that RTP won't let Andrej on stage or anywhere near this entry, but are quite happy to write genius like this.  Senhora Do Mar was indeed a high water mark ( see what I did there?!?) with regards to Portuguese Fado in Eurovision and, despite FDC 2012 being Fado esque in style (year of it, dontcha know?!) - This is lighter than Senhora.... Diet Senhora, if you will, with a diet singer in Filipa Sousa.   It doesn't have the intensity or the "fuck me!" moments, sadly, not qualifying but I still think its ace.

Ukraine

Be her Guest?? - Oh all right then, but then again, would YOU refuse Gaitana?  She is a singer in the vain of Ani Lorak but she doesn’t have Ani's songs, or stage craft, but I will pay money to see cornet players on stage in Baku.  Qualifying easily though.

Bulgaria

Love Unlimited you say?! I suspect its limited to 2:59 to be quite honest with you.  Bulgaria's best attempt since Voda I would hazard to say, however it seems to be lacking something again, though Sofi is doing a darn good job selling the song to be honest.  Qualifying? - Nope, just missing out

Slovenia

I can't believe that Eva is only SIXTEEN years of age, firstly, if anyone saw her perform this song in the EMA ( well you all should have, its the goddam preview video!), you can't fail to be blown away by the talent and vocal range that she has.  RTVSLO has decreed it to be in Slovene, and that’s the right decision as far as I am concerned, it has all the right ingredients for a good song, cracking backing singers, Israeli dance moves, Molditva moments... it borrows the lot from everyone, her talent just drives this forward and will rightly qualify.  Unfortunately come the final, I fear she'll have to take back all of the things she borrowed to their rightful owners and she might get swallowed up, but lets hope not ;)